There’s enough stress when separating without parents fighting all the time about the kids. If two people can barely stay in the same room without their blood boiling, every school vacation, doctor’s appointment, or weekend schedule will turn into World War 3. Unfortunately, children need their parents to get along despite whatever havoc they may have internalized during separation.
For many parents who have split, it starts as we can figure this out ourselves. And some do – after all – but when texting turns into unnecessary fighting and one parent feels alienated from decision-making about their children, families get trapped. Court seems to be the only option to come out on the other side for an equitable solution, but this option is expensive, combative, and time-consuming.
What Mediation Actually Does
Mediation is the neutral third party that comes into play to help parents communicate when they can no longer do so themselves. It is not therapy, nor is it someone to take sides and tell anyone what to do. It’s someone who can reign in a productive atmosphere when emotions peak.
A mediator understands what’s going on emotionally for both parties. There may be more power in finally explaining to an ex why doing “this” would help than actually getting them to understand it on paper. When professionals help families resolve disputes about parenting, they’re creating a space where actual problem-solving can happen instead of the same argument on repeat.
There’s structure that comes with mediation relative to a text thread or email chain where it can easily devolve back into all the prior reasons why someone feels wronged. A mediator focuses on the children’s needs, bringing questions into play that help find solutions instead of just shouting into an echo chamber of frustration.
When Parents Should Consider Getting Help
Some parents can figure out a parenting plan over coffee and an amicable split. Others need someone in-between to referee every interaction going forward. But how can someone else assess which category they’re in?
The most obvious reason a parent should seek assistance is when the same issues repeatedly arise without resolution. From who’s picking up the children at what time to Christmas arrangements or new partners being integrated into parenting time, the same argument five times in two months is alarming.
Overwhelming feelings of being pushed aside in every decision also reflect a call for help. Just because it’s healthy co-parenting does not mean two people will agree. Still, no one should feel they have no voice in major decisions about their children while the other person callously makes the decisions with no care for their feelings.
The primary indicator, however, is communication – when it’s nonexistent because every exchange turns into a fight and the child overhears everything when their parent thinks they’re keeping the home life separation inconspicuous.
What The Mediation Process Is Really Like
Nobody enters mediation without apprehension and doubt, especially if they’ve tried talking before; what’s different now?
Typically sessions are a few hours long at a time with one mediator meeting with both parents; in extreme or high-conflict situations, they may separate at first to each privately meet with the mediator for a few minutes. A mediator will ask them what their concerns are and what they hope to achieve through mediation.
This is where it gets fun because sometimes an ex has private sentiments that resonate with what their ex also wants; they just haven’t agreed on how to get there yet because they’ve only been fighting about the minutia up until this point.
A mediator’s goal is to focus on where parents agree – there’s usually more than either person realizes at first – versus identifying the main conflict and then tackling each sticky area one by one – in sequential meetings or through one session; it depends on how much needs addressing and how far apart parents are from the start.
Where mediation takes its power is establishing a parenting plan of essentially court-ordered guidelines where both people have had input into constructing where the main issues are outlined in writing for better clarity moving forward.
What Mediation Cannot Solve
Mediation works best when both parties want to do something good for their kids – even if they can’t stand each other – and least effective when one person is merely going through the motions to look reasonable before going to court anyway.
Additionally, mediation cannot fix concerns of domestic violence or serious substance abuse issues that deem parties unsafe with children; these cases need legal involvement versus a 1 hour conversation in a neutral office setting.
The other caveat is that mediation requires some level of transparency and good faith – but if one party is hiding income for support payments or strategically scheduling to deny time, a mediator cannot force transparency; they can acknowledge bad behavior but can’t make someone play nice and honest in their sandbox sessions.
Why This Matters More Than You Know
The sooner parenting arrangements are sorted out after separation, the easier it will be to bring structure for everyone involved because patterns emerge quickly based on what happens in the first few months of separating, and too much water needs to be treaded when parenting arrangements are good in theory but get trumped by historical habits of one parent from then on.
Children notice everything, from every jab made about one another to every rolling eye or time one parent bashes the other to their face, even when separating parents think their homes are highly compartmentalized and invisible from judgmental children watching from the window (but behind closed blinds).
This teaches kids that relationships are hypocritical – but when parents learn how to work together decently enough, kids are empowered to love both parents without guilt having been spawned through constant fighting about parenting efforts that constantly drew kids in between their conflicts.
Things change as life goes on, from childhood to teenage years, with circumstances, with children themselves if parents take time to learn how to negotiate these arrangements through mediation and apply those same tools later down the line if anything changes, they’re equipped with skills as long as it doesn’t go back to square one every time something new emerges.
Making The Decision
Nobody wants to admit they need a mediator to talk with their ex about their children because it feels like giving up or failing. The real failure would be allowing everything to remain broken when there’s a path forward, especially if kids are already thrown into the mix and they’ve experienced life-changing impacts before any improvements can be made or half-decisions confirmed and compromised before an agreement is solidified.
It’s not whether you need help; it’s whether you want it better, for too many people stuck in problem-solving conflicts for years because neither wants to be the first to go second lives without acknowledgment of how they’re truly making things worse for themselves and their kids due to conflict shaping how their children perceive relationships down the road.
Choosing mediation isn’t about being weak and giving up; it’s acknowledging that this particular situation calls for something different than what’s been done before – and most parents go through mediation wishing they’d done it sooner before things were so entrenched and so much damage had occurred.
